For all of my teens and 20’s I experienced daily general anxiety, digestive issues, social anxiety and felt haunted by something I couldn’t name or place. I thought I was an introvert who needed a lot of alone time, and I knew I had a fear of success (rather than failure, which was quite comfortable) because every time I pictured the success I wanted to achieve – my nervous system would panic.
What I know now, on the other side of this last major piece of my healing journey, is this: I was a traumatized extrovert, and my nervous system was “full.” I was so full of the pain of feeling defective, being “other”, of deep shame and rage, grief and heartbreak that my body couldn’t handle one tiny addition of stress onto this big pile I’d accumulated.
My digestive issues were directly linked to my commitment to listening to my gut about people and speaking my truth and listening to my body’s wisdom. And I could finally “place” this feeling of being haunted, and name it: my psyche had been turned against itself when I was just 13, so that I couldn’t trust myself or anyone else when this 30 year old finally did what he wanted with me.
My orientation to healing my trauma certainly doesn’t match the common narrative I see in the world about “how to heal trauma.”
This is why I’m telling this story. Because heal it I did, and despite my own family (at times) and numerous health professionals trying to convince me I haven’t healed (because how could I with so little actual therapy, or because family still triggers me, or by engaging in such reckless behavior?)…I know I’ve healed. I came home to myself. I turned towards myself and embraced everything.
Here’s the distinction: I’ve healed MY trauma. I’ve made peace with the past. The relationships that were instrumental in the formation of my trauma remain unhealed. But that’s not 100% up to me, and I tried my best to heal those too for the last 20 years (albeit very unskillfully at times, especially in the beginning).
This video, Part III of my trauma healing story, walks you through the biggest piece, and the original place of deep wounding: my pscyhe.
All through my 20’s I believed I was suffering mostly from sexual trauma, or emotional trauma. At age 33, during a 6 week panic attack triggered by the pain of not trusting myself, I realized it was my pscyhe that was the most wounded, and the part of me governed my sexual, emotional, mental and spiritual health. Without an intact psyche, without a deep trust in my own knowing, how could I create true well being (thriving) in any area of my life?
Please understand I am NOT advocating that you induce a 6 week panic attack to heal your anxiety or trauma. This is NOT meant as advice of any kind. I offer this story because we’re not often given unconventional stories of healing trauma, and we defer authority over our own healing to “authorities” like therapists, doctors and “specialists.”
I offer this story as a question: What if we have everything we need to heal, right here, inside our own bodies, minds and hearts?
What would THAT look like, for you?
In this video I talk about:
A relationship that triggered my last major trauma healing phase.
The life-changing act of deciding to trust myself implicitly for the rest of my life.
Psychopathy and the trauma of psychological manipulation.
Embracing what my body wanted, not what I (my mind) wanted – a 6 week panic attack that cured me of anxiety.
Share your thoughts below, it would mean a lot to hear from you!
Part 1 of my trauma healing story: https://mobilitymastery.com/how-i-healed-from-sexual-psychological-and-physical-traum-part-1-of-3/
Part 2 of my trauma healing story: how-i-healed-from-sexual-psychological-and-physical-trauma-part-2-of-3-the-body-phase