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How I Healed My Trauma, Phase 3: Confront My Wounded Psyche and Learn to Trust Myself Again

By November 27, 2019Healing, Trauma

For all of my teens and 20’s I experienced daily general anxiety, digestive issues, social anxiety and felt haunted by something I couldn’t name or place. I thought I was an introvert who needed a lot of alone time, and I knew I had a fear of success (rather than failure, which was quite comfortable) because every time I pictured the success I wanted to achieve – my nervous system would panic. 

What I know now, on the other side of this last major piece of my healing journey, is this: I was a traumatized extrovert, and my nervous system was “full.” I was so full of the pain of feeling defective, being “other”, of deep shame and rage, grief and heartbreak that my body couldn’t handle one tiny addition of stress onto this big pile I’d accumulated. 

My digestive issues were directly linked to my commitment to listening to my gut about people and speaking my truth and listening to my body’s wisdom. And I could finally “place” this feeling of being haunted, and name it: my psyche had been turned against itself when I was just 13, so that I couldn’t trust myself or anyone else when this 30 year old finally did what he wanted with me. 

My orientation to healing my trauma certainly doesn’t match the common narrative I see in the world about “how to heal trauma.” 

This is why I’m telling this story. Because heal it I did, and despite my own family (at times) and numerous health professionals trying to convince me I haven’t healed (because how could I with so little actual therapy, or because family still triggers me, or by engaging in such reckless behavior?)…I know I’ve healed. I came home to myself. I turned towards myself and embraced everything. 

Here’s the distinction: I’ve healed MY trauma. I’ve made peace with the past. The relationships that were instrumental in the formation of my trauma remain unhealed. But that’s not 100% up to me, and I tried my best to heal those too for the last 20 years (albeit very unskillfully at times, especially in the beginning). 

This video, Part III of my trauma healing story, walks you through the biggest piece, and the original place of deep wounding: my pscyhe. 

All through my 20’s I believed I was suffering mostly from sexual trauma, or emotional trauma. At age 33, during a 6 week panic attack triggered by the pain of not trusting myself, I realized it was my pscyhe that was the most wounded, and the part of me governed my sexual, emotional, mental and spiritual health. Without an intact psyche, without a deep trust in my own knowing, how could I create true well being (thriving) in any area of my life? 

Please understand I am NOT advocating that you induce a 6 week panic attack to heal your anxiety or trauma. This is NOT meant as advice of any kind. I offer this story because we’re not often given unconventional stories of healing trauma, and we defer authority over our own healing to “authorities” like therapists, doctors and “specialists.” 

I offer this story as a question: What if we have everything we need to heal, right here, inside our own bodies, minds and hearts? 

What would THAT look like, for you?

In this video I talk about: 

A relationship that triggered my last major trauma healing phase.
The life-changing act of deciding to trust myself implicitly for the rest of my life.
Psychopathy and the trauma of psychological manipulation.
Embracing what my body wanted, not what I (my mind) wanted – a 6 week panic attack that cured me of anxiety.
And more.

Share your thoughts below, it would mean a lot to hear from you!

Part 1 of my trauma healing story: https://mobilitymastery.com/how-i-healed-from-sexual-psychological-and-physical-traum-part-1-of-3/ 

Part 2 of my trauma healing story: how-i-healed-from-sexual-psychological-and-physical-trauma-part-2-of-3-the-body-phase

6 Comments

  • Mara Moreau says:

    Thank you so much for sharing your experience of healing. Turning toward what is happening, not being aftaid of pain, letting it speak to you! Learning to trust your inner wisdom!
    Mara xx

  • Elisha,
    I so much appreciate the reveal of your story. It took a massive amount of courage to put yourself out there for the presence of the ridiculists (is that a word?), but you have reached me deeply and I hope that counts.
    There are many similarities in our stories. Age and situations are slightly different mainly because of our different genders, yet I was a victim of sexual molestation in fourth grade by two eighth graders and that scarred me for many years, turning me from a well balanced kid to an introvert and affecting me dramatically for many years.
    It was a big part of the relationship I had with my first wife and influenced my second marriage as well for far different reasons tho.
    After the month long period where my wife left after 25 years and my back was broken, I spent a month eating fortune cookies except on Fridays which I allowed myself to eat a subway sandwich.
    It was my coping mechanism because nobody believed I was injured and treated me like I was faking!
    The doctor I was seeing for the back injury and local specialists determined I had advanced arthritis rather than the spondylolisthesis discovered over 7 months later when I found I could get a second opinion and went to a real back doctor.
    I lost forty pounds during my “amok time” of eating fortune cookies and tried to figure out if life was even worth continuing.
    I even decided to do away with myself because I could not get an answer from anyone, including God, as to why life was turned so uodside down and nothing made sense.
    So I walked out of my garage converted into an art studio and in front of me was a fairy ring twelve foot long that was undeniably in the shape of a question mark.
    I saw that as my answer from God and it immediately got me on a path of healing, yet life itself changed in many ways, yet I no longer worried whether it made sense.
    Most of my issues are settled yet some still crop up from time to time and must be dealt with but they are not the scale they had bee. For so many years.

    • Michael – I appreciate you sharing some of your story here as well. This is how we heal! None of us are truly alone, we have more similarities than not and we can guide each other towards the light of consciousness required for lasting healing. I applaud your courage to turn towards this path, because it’s not an easy one. Very rewarding, yet very painful at times. I’m here rooting for you!

  • Jim says:

    Thank you for sharing the story of how you gained strength from exposing your trama. Learning first from your personal journal writing then advancing to speaking your truth to trusted persons and now becoming an open book to the world. Each a brave step towards owning yourself. This is a lesson for me to learn in healing my body/emotional/psyche issues.

    I have found your fascial tearing technics beneficial in releasing what my body is holding on to and keeps me stuck in. Your story is encouragement to continue the physical practice, and expand it to using daily conflicts (pinch points) as a tool to tear open what is holding me back.

    • Hi Jim,

      Thank you for your comments. I’m grateful for your support, and even more grateful you’re benefiting from what I’m sharing online. Wishing you expanding levels of freeing as you turn towards yourself and befriend what is there!

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