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Food for thoughtSelf love

How You Do Conflict is How You Do Healing – Delusion, Self-Betrayal and Confronting The Truth

By January 13, 2020 5 Comments

Conflict. 

Do you embrace it, face it head on or avoid it? 

While I’m unsure anyone can claim they actually ENJOY conflict, I can tell you that my life changed for the better in every possible way when I learned to embrace conflict. 

What is pain if not a symptom of some conflict? 

You and your body might be in conflict (you think your body should do whatever you want it to, so you’re ignoring warning signs that your body is in danger of serious injury). 

Your body might be exhibiting a conflict with your environment (chemical toxicity, a stressful work situation, or a relationship that’s draining instead of serving you). 

Before I learned about my body, learned to listen to her and honor her needs and messages, I was convinced that my body was against me, betraying me; and I hated it. I blamed my body for how awful I felt every day because I was refusing to take responsibility, so I projected my own culpability onto my body. 

The faster we learn to “do” conflict well – which means getting curious, listening to the “other” (whether your intimate partner, a friend or your body), observing and gathering data, postponing our RESPONSE (instead of reactivity) until we are clear on what’s actually happening instead of assuming we know it all. Then, it means taking responsibility for REPAIR. 

Just like in a human to human relationship, how we orient to conflict and repair directly impacts our level of safety and trust in the relationship we have with our physical bodies. 

My #1 tip for improving your relationship to conflict is to nurture your curiosity.


Curiosity is a super power, and I recently heard one of my students say that curiosity is the antidote to fear. 

When you postpone reactivity and get curious instead, you’ll gain invaluable insight into your body, your friendships, your partnerships and you’ll build unshakable trust in those relationships, becoming truly resilient. 

This is a topic I feel so passionate about, I am sure we’ll return to it again and again. 

One more tip: resist the urge to judge yourself or others while you investigate how you do conflict. If you or anyone you know is taking steps towards embracing conflict, you (and they) ought to be celebrated no matter how messy, clumsy or awkward the attempts. This isn’t “clean” precise work, it’s often messy even in mastery!

Commit to becoming a student of conflict (relationships) and make this a practice, knowing it’s not easy. You will be rewarded with more trust and vitality within all of your relationships for being one of the brave few who step onto this path. 

Please share your takeaways below where I’d love to have a discussion with you on this! I look forward to learning more about you through this topic.  

5 Comments

  • …and, temporarily putting a bookmark in our stories with other people when conflict isn’t being resolved after numerous heartfelt attempts – has a new picture for me.

    Temporarily putting a relationship in neutral isn’t a failure, and, isn’t a shunning of someone I care for.

    I think previously I viewed “shelved” friendships as just that – a “loss” due to “failure to communicate properly”.

    But now I understand if I can withdraw my emotion from the choice to shelf, what I really have done, is show RESPECT, haven’t I?

    Respect for my own self-care, but, also respect for the other person/people, who, are clearly not able to engage in the conversation imperative to each of us.

    It’s not mean. It’s love in its naked condition.

    I have great admiration for you, Elisha.

    Thanks for helping us all realize we’re all so much alike, really.

    Many hugs to you and Stefan.

    • Hi Linda – thanks for sharing your own thoughts and insights about this topic! My personal philosophy is that the only failure is the failure to learn from pain. That goes for friendships/relationships, my body, my purpose etc. And I also believe that boundaries are love in action, and real love is holding ourselves and others accountable to our highest selves. I appreciate you being here and adding your voice to the discussion!

  • Susanna Tinsley says:

    Wow!! This is an amazing insight! I am going to have to think about this and watch the video again to fully grasp it. You are so insightful, and I learn new and interesting things with every video I watch of yours. I greatly appreciate you doing this, and sharing of yourself.

  • L says:

    So much here! Actionable. Rubies! My deepest thanks for sharing your curiosity.

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